


Everything that kills me makes me feel alive

by Miyukitty



Series: Yowamushi Ghoul [6]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul, 弱虫ペダル | Yowamushi Pedal
Genre: Altered Mental States, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Tokyo Ghoul, Angst and Feels, Arospec, Bad Ending, Blood and Gore, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Character Study, Childhood Memories, Crossover, Gen, Grayromantic Character, Grief/Mourning, Hospitalization, Masochism, Murder, Pining, Senpai Notice Me, Senpai-Kouhai Relationship, Serious Injuries, Sorry Not Sorry, Tags Are Fun, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-26
Updated: 2015-05-26
Packaged: 2018-04-01 10:54:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4017079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miyukitty/pseuds/Miyukitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It's so dangerous, Sangaku, what if you really do get stabbed in the chest like in your games? What if a ghoul tries to eat you?" She fiddled with her twin-tails, looking flustered while Manami jogged alongside her.</p><p>"That would be the most exciting thing that ever happened to me," Manami answered brightly. There was terrifying honesty in those blue eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I feel something so right by doing the wrong thing

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY the latest installment of the crossover where no one lives happily ever after! This is Manami's backstory and his side of the [Toudou](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3475736) & [Maki-chan](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3571910/chapters/7870421) stories; you could read this first if you prefer, but I feel like they make the most sense in the order they're posted. :3 
> 
>  
> 
>   
>  ~~idk what manami's orientation turned out to be in this AU but he seems demiromantic to me. manatou~ ;o;~~  
> 
> 
>  
> 
> [Yowamushi Ghoul, where Sohoku are ghouls in Tokyo, Hakogaku are the CCG, the titles are trashy pop music lyrics, and I embarrass myself on the internet! This fic doesn't have any connection to canon events but it does assume reader has basic knowledge of ghoul anatomy.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus [fanart by meee](https://twitter.com/Magepaw/status/603481156894511104) :D

 

Manami's earliest memory was the hospital he was taken to when a fever unexpectedly spiked and he got too dizzy to stand.

 

He didn't remember his father carrying him, or his mother anxiously whispering encouragement in his ear, or the nurses checking his vitals after the doctor administered medicine. The hazy memory consisted mainly of the color white. The sterile walls and ceiling loomed over him, and painfully bright lights hummed incessantly and made his eyes water when he stared at them too long. It creeped him out.

 

On the drive home he recalled asking his mother with all the eloquence of a toddler never to make him go back to that white room.

 

* * *

 

 

It was less than a year before he was back in the pediatric ward.

 

His third birthday party had been at a park. It was the first one he had with friends. Of course, a three-year-old's friends consisted solely of the kids that went to the same daycare and whose parents got along with his parents: he couldn't remember any of their names or faces. Instead he remembered eating fistfuls of cake and running around a picnic table, then collapsing, suddenly gasping for air and sobbing into the dirt. All the colors drained grey before his eyes, faces and shapes melting into nightmares.

 

In a whirlwind of children crying and parents shouting, he was whisked back to the hospital for emergency treatment. They put stickers on his chest and ran tests he didn't understand and asked him questions off a clipboard. Manami recalled solemnly informing a nurse that he was missing his own birthday party, and she brought him a helium balloon from the gift shop to make him smile. When they kept him overnight for observation, he did not sleep, and played with the balloon instead. It was yellow.

 

When he was released, his parents sat him down on the edge of his bed and tried to explain what happened. There was something wrong with him, but they would do their best to take care of it. He was far too young to understand the word _arrhythmia_.

 

Instead they pointed to cartoon illustrations in the pamphlet from the hospital, and told him that sometimes his heart would go too fast and make him feel sick. If he ever felt bad like he did at the party, he had to come tell a grownup right away. Manami fidgeted under their stares and finally nodded in agreement, then ran to play outside. He brought his balloon and purposely let it go so he could watch it disappear over the power lines and rooftops. That blue sky was much better than colorless ceilings.

 

* * *

 

 

He was an adventurous boy, much to his parents' dismay. Manami was always the first to climb trees and jungle gyms and bookshelves, and was still smiling no matter how many times he fell and skinned his knees and elbows. Sometimes it got scary – his chest would tighten and ache, his thoughts would go hazy and light, and he would feel his heartbeat racing, racing, racing. He would see visions that frightened him no matter how many times he was told they weren't real. He hated telling grownups when there was something wrong with him.

 

He had to keep going back to the hospital for tests anyway, and it was frustrating to be rushed there when he was trying to play or make friends. The receptionist always cooed over his pretty hair color and called him "Sangaku-chan". The nurses always said he was brave and brought him playthings to keep busy with. They were nice, and he liked the attention, but it didn't balance out the growing resentment he harbored toward the ugly brick building with its too-white interior.

 

When he started grade school, his parents bought him his first video game. Manami didn't like it much. Sitting still for too long made him antsy, and he didn't have the patience to read rules and follow tutorials. He preferred to be outside where the colors were brightest and he could feel the wind on his skin. He was, however, clever enough to recognize that imaginary quests in the safety of his bedroom would not end with another fainting spell and emergency room visit.

 

He resigned himself to digital monster slaying, but never stopped imagining how a real life quest would be so much more exciting. Games didn't make him smile often, but it was better than the hospital.

 

* * *

 

 

He was nine, or maybe ten, when he finally met the girl next door. Manami had a lot of video games by then, and hardly ever went outside. He missed weeks of school at a time, and had more or less given up on making friends with his classmates. The Miyahara family was on good terms with Manami's family, and their mothers in particular started pushing for their children to spend time with each other. He was dismissive at first when the petite girl with the large glasses started bringing him homework and telling him he should get out of bed more. He could tell at a glance that she was a model student, but he had no interest in grades. He never told her he was missing school because of his bad heart, even though he figured his mom probably passed it along already.

 

Manami warmed up a little when he learned their bedrooms were right across from each other and they could talk by leaving the windows open. He tried to explain one day why he didn't care much about the RPGs he beat, but she didn't really understand his reasoning. Maybe it _was_ weird to want real swords and blood and pain when he could have a safe alternative. She just didn't know how lucky she was to be able to play sports in P.E. without waking up in a hospital bed. It had to hurt to be real.

 

He started making more of an effort to go to school once she offered to walk with him, to the delight of their mothers. Manami had trouble focusing in class, though. He daydreamed as he stared out the window, or put his head down and napped until the bell rang. The repetition made everything feel colorless and bland.

 

One day their classes were canceled so they could attend an assembly. Manami watched through yawns as the uniformed man and woman on stage clicked through a slideshow about ghoul safety. He already knew to be home by curfew, to not talk to strangers, to tell a grownup if he saw anyone with red eyes (even if it was a classmate). He was starting to fidget when the lights came back on, and the investigators brought out their briefcases for a demonstration.

 

He wasn't bored anymore. Manami watched, transfixed, as two quinque hissed with smoke and manifested as massive red weapons, cooler than anything from his video games. He couldn't remember their names or faces, but he would forever remember the quinques. The partners put on a show for the kids, a choreographed spar, and then went on to explain what their academy was and how any one of the children in the auditorium could have a career as a ghoul investigator for the CCG. Manami hadn't felt his heart race like that in years. It hurt, but it was the excitement he missed, and he clutched at his shirt and smiled. Suddenly, he had a goal. There were real monsters lurking right in Tokyo, and he could grow up and fight them himself.

 

He had to strengthen his heart. At his next checkup, his doctor told him that he would probably outgrow the worst of the symptoms. There was a surgery, but with controlled amounts of aerobic exercise, he could get stronger and overcome his arrhythmia without it. Bed rest was doing him no favors. He had to work for it.

 

When properly motivated, Manami was stubborn to the point of self harm. Miyahara helped him on his quest, despite her vehement disapproval. The first time they went running together, he struggled to keep up with her gentle pace, but refused to stop.

 

"It's so dangerous, Sangaku, what if you really do get stabbed in the chest like in your games? What if a ghoul tries to eat you?" She fiddled with her twin-tails, looking flustered while Manami jogged alongside her.

 

"That would be the most exciting thing that ever happened to me," Manami answered brightly. There was terrifying honesty in those blue eyes. He laughed as she tried to swat him, and danced out of reach.

 

She frowned when he glanced back – Manami's face was pale and too sweaty for the short distance they'd gone.

 

"Wait, are you okay? Your mother told me you had to take it slow," Miyahara chided. "I brought water bottles and orange slices in my backpack if you need a break."

 

"I'm fine. I feel good, actually. Thank you," he replied softly, and while she didn't miss the white-knuckled grip on his shirt, she didn't reprimand him, either.

 

* * *

 

 

He was thirteen the next time he rode in an ambulance. His memories of that night were fragmented. Pieces of it slipped away from him, only to resurface when he stopped grasping for them.

 

The Miyahara family invited the Manami family over for hotpot. The mothers gossiped while they chopped ingredients, the fathers watched television in the other room, and the junior high students were upstairs studying for a test tomorrow. At least, the newly-elected class representative was; Manami was snoring lightly on her shoulder, and she didn't have the heart to move him.

 

The peace was shattered with screams and the sounds of broken glass. Manami shot bolt upright, heart hammering in his chest. Miyahara squeaked and darted to the doorway, hiding behind her door to peek down the stairs.

 

"What's happening?!"

 

"I can't see anything!" she hissed frantically. They both flinched at a loud crash. "I don't think we should go downstairs, what if it's a home invader? What if it's a ghoul? We should call the police! I don't have a cell phone!"

 

Manami's chest grew hot and tight, constricting as though his ribcage was shrinking in on his lungs and heart. He choked on a gasp as the screaming came to an abrupt halt. Miyahara was quivering, tears dripping from underneath the rims of her glasses frames. Neither of them could move as the sound of footsteps started up the stairs.

 

"I don't have a cell either, but your window-!" Manami panted with difficulty. His mind was growing fuzzy at the edges. "We can jump over the balcony into my house, and use the house phone. Iinchou, don't wait!"

 

He grabbed her by the skinny wrist and yanked her back from the threshold, but the door was already swinging open. The teens froze.

 

In the doorway stood a short stout woman with a mask. A _ghoul_. Her mask was a smiley-face with eyeholes so small, only the faintest glimmer of red kakugan could be seen gleaming beneath. Her brunette hair was cropped short and frizzed out to frame her face. Her yellow sweater was spattered liberally with blood.

 

"Sorry to interrupt your study date," the ghoul stated conversationally. "I have a son about your age, and – didn't I tell you about Sakamichi when I sat next to you on the bus, dear? He's a picky eater, I'm afraid, he'll never grow up big and strong at this rate."

 

Miyahara blanched. "B-but you were just a nice old lady who needed directions! You're a – ghoul?! You followed me…? M-my mom and dad…?!"

 

Manami gripped her wrist tighter. The situation was life-or-death. His heart felt like it was ready to burst. Strangely, he wasn't afraid. He was in shock over what happened, but all he saw was the ghoul in front of him – the enemy.

 

His face contorted into a strange, terrible, predatory smile.

 

Then he saw the roof of an ambulance overhead – his arms and legs secured to the stretcher underneath him, paramedics speaking too rapidly for him to understand. He blinked slowly, dazed, trying to process the fact that he could not move, that the ghoul was no longer in front of him. The siren wailed from atop the moving vehicle. The interior rattled and rumbled as it sped over pavement.

 

His clothes were saturated with blood.

 

Manami drew a shuddering gasp, his back arched in an abrupt attempt to throw off the restraints. A paramedic tried to calm him but his vision was blurring again, shrinking down to a pinpoint as the colors bled out the edges. Before he lost consciousness, he could barely make out the shape of a second stretcher parallel to his. There was a small body bandaged and limp beside him.

 

* * *

 

 

He heard the humming of the lights before he saw them. A familiar sense of dullness settled over him. Back again.

 

Reluctantly, Manami opened his eyes, and had to shield against the brightness with his arm. The thin hospital gown crinkled when he moved. The scent of sterilizers and plastic in the stale air made his stomach turn. His hand itched where the IV was inserted. His limbs were heavy.

 

He yearned to escape.

 

Someone was speaking to him. He squinted at the white coat. It slowly filtered through his senses that it was not a doctor's lab coat. This person wore a visitor's badge. A ghoul investigator, or a cadet based on the lack of wings. The name on the badge was Fukutomi, and Manami guessed by the awkward way he frowned and balled his fists that Fukutomi was younger than he looked. His deep voice was buzzing, words distorted, but Manami caught snatches of the speech and parsed it with difficulty.

 

He was to be placed in CCG custody as an orphan. They wanted to recruit him because after what transpired, they considered him a prodigy. Grades too low for an Academy scholarship, but with a letter of recommendation, he could receive training and test into Rank 3. If he could handle physical training, he would be offered the surgical procedure to correct his heart. He was not allowed to return to the house in case he was a target for other ghouls. He did not have a choice.

 

He licked his lips, and croaked, "What happened to the smiley-face ghoul?"

 

The investigator grew somber. His heavy eyebrows drew downward. "It is normal to repress memories of traumatic events. It will come back to you. Rest easy knowing that the threat has been neutralized."

 

Manami slumped back into the pillow. He picked at the IV needle underneath his skin, and stared listlessly at the forming bruise. His family was dead, then. But…

 

"…Did my neighbor… did Miyahara survive?"

 

"She's in a room upstairs. The nurse can assist you when you are able to stand. Your wounds are minor. I will return in a week to take you to your new quarters."

 

Manami did not protest as he slipped back into an exhausted, dreamless sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Miyahara looked even smaller without her glasses. Her skin was so pale it appeared translucent in the light. Manami could see the muted blue of veins beneath the paper-thin surface. She exhaled softly, steadily, and did not stir as he leaned in the doorway.

 

He watched her sleep for a moment before the smile twisted bitterly on the corner of his mouth.

 

"I guess this is goodbye, Iinchou," Manami murmured. "The CCG signed my release papers this morning. Guess I'll be a ghoul investigator sooner than we thought."

 

There were no flowers at her bedside. The table was sparse. She had been orphaned too, but the CCG would not be extending her the same offer they had Manami. He thought it was a bit of a shame, really, Class Rep was smart enough to be a good investigator or administrator. She had potential.

 

"It was fun going jogging with you in the mornings," he admitted after a moment of consideration. "You're so fast. The fastest in the world! I could never catch up to you."

 

Blue eyes lingered on the breathing mask strapped to her delicate face, the tubes and lines strung to the life support system regulating her respiration and pulse. He couldn't remember what happened, but the paramedic speculated she fell from the balcony, or had been thrown. The trauma to her head left her in a coma. It was unlikely she would ever regain consciousness. The hospital was reaching out to her distant relatives, seeking someone to take control of her fate.

 

Manami swallowed around the lump in his throat. He wasn't sure what people did in situations like this. When they first met, he was the one stuck in bed and she was the one to get him out of it. He could promise to visit her, but they'd both know he was lying.

 

"Anyway, thanks for hanging out with me, even though it was because your mom told you to," he said casually, clasping his hands behind his head. His smile softened, voice dropping into a more sincere register.

 

"You know… you're my only friend. I'll keep fighting, okay? So don't worry about me anymore."


	2. I feel something so wrong by doing the right thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His immediate impression was that Toudou was a beautiful man. There was elegance and refinement in his appearance, natural grace in his movements. The illusion was dispelled as soon as Toudou opened his mouth to squawk about the indignity of being saddled with an unknown Rank 3 partner, but Manami only chuckled in response.
> 
> There was something that intrigued him about his new partner, a desire for connection he hadn't felt toward anyone before. He actually wanted to make this work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is basically a buddy cop AU right :DDD fun hijinks at the CCG

 

Manami worked hard after the surgery to elevate his skills and live up to the name 'prodigy' – not that he let anyone see how much he practiced on his own time.

 

He got along fine with the other CCG wards, but he didn't connect to them personally – none of them saw past the easy smiles and nonchalance to what smoldered beneath. He didn't consider them friends, but he didn't mind their company, either. It was the bureaucracy he couldn't stand; he had no patience for paperwork, and incurred the ire of his instructors by casually ignoring or losing the forms he was supposed to fill out. He would never achieve promotion without buckling down and following the rules, but as always, his stubbornness made him unreliable.

 

It took a few years to get a lucky break. When Fukutomi's partner had to be reassigned, he wrote a letter to the commissioner and recommended Manami personally for the position based on what he had seen the night of the attack. The Academy pushed instead for Kuroda Yukinari, their most decorated student, as the best candidate for the job. Kuroda was well-rounded and had top marks, and arrogantly agreed to settle the competition with a regulated sparring match; the loser agreed to withdraw their application.

 

They were neck and neck as the clock ticked down toward zero, but he was at his best in a pinch. Manami smiled as he swept his pugil stick against Kuroda's leg guards, crumpling his opponent to his knees. He leveled his padded weapon at Kuroda's throat just as the whistle blew – a victory in the nick of time. He would finally get his chance to work assignments against ghouls. He barely had time to shower and change before he was rushed off to headquarters to meet Toudou Jinpachi for the first time.

 

His immediate impression was that Toudou was a beautiful man. There was elegance and refinement in his appearance, natural grace in his movements. The illusion was dispelled as soon as Toudou opened his mouth to squawk about the indignity of being saddled with an unknown Rank 3 partner, but Manami only chuckled in response.

 

There was something that intrigued him about his new partner, a desire for connection he hadn't felt toward anyone before. He actually wanted to make this work.

 

* * *

 

Toudou was a graduate of the Academy and a Rank 2 investigator, making him Manami's senior and giving him an official quinque. Manami couldn't help but be fascinated by the koukaku broadsword. It reminded him of video game paladins, only it was a real sword to wield against real monsters, and that made it infinitely more meaningful. He wanted one of his own.

 

He was instead given standard issue weaponry – a rifle with Q bullets, knives made of quinque steel, RC suppressants to weaken opposing ghouls, and the like. He would only earn a quinque once he gained rank – or if he felled a high-rated ghoul, as the rights to the kagune material were traditionally awarded to the investigator who harvested them. His role was to support and cover Toudou, the lead investigator, so he would not be felling any targets on his own.

 

As they got to know each other, he learned Toudou nagged worse than Miyahara ever did – _eat more lean protein and less empty calories, don't sleep during briefings, blow-dry your hair after each shower or you'll catch a cold, take this seriously, didn't you hear me when I told you to take this seriously, it's bad enough that your visual appeal overlaps with mine-!_ Manami brushed it all off with the carefree smile he knew would only incense Toudou further. But there was real advice too – a correction in a stance here, a color-coded study guide there, incentives to finish training regimens like going out for coffee together afterward.

 

Despite his complaining, Toudou was the best instructor Manami ever had, because he _understood_. All his life, teachers had disciplined him for lack of focus, but it was their pushing that made him balk. Confinement indoors, repetitive assignments, lectures and homework, they were a struggle to endure. Toudou loosened the reins when it counted. Toudou saw through his flippant smiles and believed he was a prodigy like Fukutomi promised. Toudou genuinely wanted him to succeed and flourish in his own way.

 

Toudou was as brilliant as he was beautiful, and Manami thought if he was ever to fall for someone, it would be his senpai.

 

* * *

 

 

Their most high profile case was the Peak Spider. Toudou had crossed paths with that ghoul once and let him get away, and now it was their biggest priority to track him down again. Manami needed promotion points if he was ever to get a quinque, and the Peak Spider's capture would be much faster than the daily grind. They worked smaller cases in the meantime – investigating a homicide that could potentially be ghoul activity, following up on missing persons reports, interviewing confidential informants. They even did a neighborhood stakeout, which primarily consisted of Manami napping in the passenger seat while Toudou fussed with radio stations and surveillance equipment (and in the end swore he'd never spend 24 hours in a van with such an annoying person again no matter how important the mission).

 

When Manami finally met the green-haired ghoul face to face, it was completely by accident. A chance encounter in a café led to Toudou getting overeager and careless. They were unprepared, and it turned out to be a disaster. Spider dumped coffee all over the investigator and ran out the door before Manami could respond. He didn't give chase because he'd been ordered to wait, but he wouldn't have pursued the target even if he was free to – something stopped him.

 

Watching Toudou make a fool of himself made his chest ache like he was three years old again. It was the same feeling Manami had when he let that yellow balloon go free and wished with all his heart he could fly into the blue with it.

 

For the first time he wondered if Miyahara had felt that longing towards him – if that was the true reason she helped him chase his goal despite not wanting him to join the CCG. Her feelings were locked away forever now, a secret frozen within the sterile white walls of a hospital room. But he didn't have to wonder, when he watched his crestfallen partner stare at the figure retreating around the street corner, if Toudou yearned for someone like that. His want was written all over his face, even though he would probably be the last to know it.

 

It wasn't until Toudou snapped back to reality and shouted at him that Manami burst out laughing. He laughed and laughed, but there was something sharp and heavy lodged in his ribcage, and it made him want to cry a little, too.

 

* * *

 

"What did you just say?"

 

"I said," Manami smiled deliberately, "last night there was a downtown sighting of your _rival_ , Toudou-san."

 

He slid the file folder across the table past their coffees with a cheerful wink. Toudou spluttered wordlessly for a moment, then snatched the security camera photos.

 

"I do not have a _rival_ , Manami! Maki-chan is – the Peak Spider is – our _target_ , we have to capture him for the safety of Tokyo," Toudou corrected haughtily, though his voice jumped a little too high.

 

"You're going to be bored once we do catch him, senpai," he murmured. Manami leaned his chin into his hands and tilted his head with feigned innocence. "Do you suppose he'll get to keep a cell phone in Cochlea so you can keep texting him?"

 

Toudou's eyebrows arched in disapproval. "That's no way to talk to your superior. Shut up and get your gear," he snapped childishly. His cheeks flushed pink, lips twisted in a pouty frown. "We'll catch him this time if you pay attention and don't miss your cue!"

 

There was always a next time, Manami thought as he loaded his rifle. He couldn't say he minded the cat-and-mouse games when there was such a strong opponent to pit himself against. The times he managed to wound Makishima with a well-placed bullet or a throwing knife were worth the losses on his record and the occasional need for first aid. He wanted his promotion, but he also wanted to see the quinque Sleeping Beauty wielded in action, and he wanted to see the way Toudou's face lit up every time they challenged that rinkaku ghoul, and –

 

Whatever the outcome, Manami had something to look forward to.

 

* * *

 

 

The headquarters were a flurry of activity. The S-Rate Bear was rumored to be on the move, and their orders were simple: capture if possible, kill if necessary. Their big break was an operation that drew multiple teams together, brought in firepower from the bureau, and involved cooperation with local law enforcement to set up barricades and evacuate city blocks. The Bear had allies and was unlikely to travel alone.

 

Manami was leading his own squad for a strategic point in the ambush. He ignored the maps and maneuvers strewn across the meeting table and let his eyes wander over Fukutomi, Arakita, Shinkai, and Izumida, the decorated higher-ups who would be taking squads of their own. Manami was the only Rank 3 entrusted with the assignment. He wondered offhandedly if someone had to put in a good word for him again, or if he was beginning to stand out on his own.

 

Toudou pulled him aside as soon as the meeting room cleared. Manami smiled cheekily at him and waited for the inevitable lecture about staying safe and following protocol. He was surprised when Toudou rested a hand on his shoulder and smiled back. Those intense violet-blue eyes held his rapt attention.

 

"If the target comes to your checkpoint, and you see a chance to engage and win… kill him. This is your chance to get your quinque," Toudou stated confidently. Manami swallowed as Toudou squeezed his shoulder. "You're not assisting this time, you're leading – so do it your way. Freely."

 

He could still feel the warmth of that supportive touch an hour later at his desk, when he was supposed to write his last testament, but left the paper blank. He wasn't afraid.

 

He was excited.

 

* * *

 

 

Manami's post was the furthest out from headquarters. He and his subordinates had taken cover in a parking garage, where they fanned out to find vantage points for sniping. If the Bear came their way, he should already be wounded from the ambushes set up at the nearby subway tunnels – and so Q bullets would hopefully be enough to bring him down. Bear was notoriously tough and had evaded capture for too long. Manami couldn't suppress his grin.

 

He peered through his scope, keeping a close watch on the street below. There was an odd shape crumpled by the side of the road that kept drawing his eye. Manami squinted at the amorphous lump before realizing it was a body lying prone on the sidewalk. His eyes gleamed sharp. He signaled for his squad to cover him, and dashed low through the garage and across the empty street, all of his senses alert with the possibility of combat.

 

When he was certain the sidewalk was clear, he rolled the body over with his rifle butt. Upon inspection, Manami guessed it was a middle school kid. He was much too small to be the Bear, but there were no signs of blood or injury if he was a victim. He had expected a carcass betraying a ghoul nearby. Manami crouched, slung his rifle over his back, and checked the boy's pulse. Alive.

 

"Hey," he whispered, and patted the stranger's face. "You're in danger, you need to wake up and get out of here. Are you okay?"

 

The stranger made a small noise of confusion as he came to. The boy had a youthful face and impossibly large blue eyes magnified behind glasses lenses. Manami realized he was wrong with his guess; his stature hinted that they were probably the same age, even if this stranger was on the scrawny side.

 

"Th-the evacuation!" the boy blurted. "E-e-everyone is leaving the block, I have to- are you- where am I?!"

 

Manami chuckled. The target could appear at any moment, and he was out in the open like this – it was inviting danger, but he couldn't help himself. He took the boy's hand and squeezed it encouragingly.

 

"You're safe now. I'm with the CCG. I'll protect you. Do you remember why you passed out? Are you hurt?"

 

The boy blinked rapidly, eyelashes fluttering. He was still a nervous wreck who couldn't stop stammering, but he clutched at Manami's hand like it was his lifeline.

 

"I-! I was going to m-my boss's address, he – he closed the shop this week, so I h-haven't had work, and, um, that means I – I haven't eaten, so I, um, the police were leading p-people to the shelter and I m-must have… passed out from… h… hunger…"

 

Manami hummed sympathetically. Tokyo was an expensive city, and this was one of the poorer neighborhoods. With his free hand, he unclipped the canteen from his belt and pushed it toward the boy, who looked downright mortified.

 

"It's just water, but it should make you feel a little better. Drink it in small sips. What's your name?"

 

"O… Onoda… Sakamichi," the boy mumbled. Obediently he swallowed a few mouthfuls of water, then wiped his dribbling chin on his sleeve. He really did look like a kid, Manami noted in amusement.

 

"Sakamichi," he repeated softly, thoughtfully. It was an unusual name, and oddly… familiar. "I'm Manami Sangaku. Do you think you can walk?"

 

Onoda dithered as Manami's radio crackled to life. "Target approaching, take cover," a voice hissed through static. A jolt of adrenaline shot through him, making his heart thrum with anticipation.

 

"Quiet. Stay behind me," he murmured, pressing his hand to the back of Onoda's head and forcing him low to the sidewalk. He shrugged the rifle strap from his shoulder and brought his knee up to brace his elbow against. The dossier noted that Bear was an ukaku-type, someone who hit fast and hard but burned through his stamina. If they could pin him down with suppressing fire, he would run out of energy.

 

An explosion rocked the street. Manami whistled, impressed, as a section of the parking garage collapsed. His tranquil expression belied the intensity of the moment. Thick dust rose from the shattered concrete, and the shrieks of multiple car alarms rent the air.

 

"Are you afraid, Sakamichi-kun?" he whispered. He could hear Onoda's teeth chattering, and chuckled under his breath. His finger tensed against the trigger, waiting for the target to come into sight. This tension, this feeling – this was what he lived for.

 

A burly silhouette strode from the rubble and roared in defiance. The ghoul was broad-shouldered and rugged, a bull of a man, his square-jawed features obscured by a cartoonish teddy bear mask. His kagune were short thick spikes bristling between his scapula. Rifle reports boomed and echoed down the street, painting splashes of red across the ghoul's ample torso. As he watched, the ghoul inhaled and expanded his barrel chest, then bellowed a war cry as he fired another round of projectiles. The red spikes ranged out and burst like fireworks, exploding another section of the garage.

 

Manami lined up his sight and took the shot. The ghoul's head snapped backward in a spray of red mist as the gunshot rang out. The mask fell to pieces.

 

As he readied his followup, the ghoul jerked his head back and bared his teeth in a challenging grin. Blood slicked half of his face, but Bear seemed unperturbed by his injuries. His ukaku blazed with red heat as he surged forward. Manami grinned right back, pupils preternaturally wide, and embedded a round in the ghoul's chest. The Bear stumbled and coughed, but righted his posture and continued to advance with ukaku speed.

 

Manami tossed the rifle aside and drew a pair of knives just before the ghoul's bulk slammed into him. "Sakamichi-kun, run," he instructed pleasantly as he and Bear careened into a dumpster, thick arms painfully compressing his ribcage. The metal buckled noisily under the force of their impact, and out of the corner of his eye the investigator saw Onoda scurry down the street as fast as his legs could carry him, water bottle clutched to his chest.

 

"I don't like killing young ones," Bear rumbled conversationally in his deep voice. They were tangled so closely Manami could feel stubble against his cheek as he gasped for air. "I'm good with kids, s'no fun crushing them into a pulp."

 

Manami smiled brightly and plunged his knives into the ghoul's muscular neck. Arterial spray spattered over both of them.

 

"I look forward to using your kagune as my quinque," he announced breathlessly.

 

The massive ghoul leered at him, unfazed, and drew back his head. Before Manami could squirm out of the way, Bear smashed their foreheads together. The headbutt crumpled his helmet like a soda can.

 

Manami blacked out instantly.

 

* * *

 

_Saka… michi…_

 

_Sakamichi is…_

 

_"Sakamichi is a picky eater, I'm afraid, he'll never grow up big and strong at this rate."_

 

_Miyahara's wrist was in his hand. Her pulse was fluttering against his fingertips. The smiley-face ghoul took a deliberate step into the bedroom, then another. A tendril of red kagune slipped from underneath her sweater and unfurled, questing, almost playfully seeking their warmth. Miyahara choked back a sob._

 

_Manami shoved Miyahara toward the balcony. "Run for the phone, I'll hold her off," he heard his own voice from a distance._

 

_The ghoul clucked her tongue at him with evident amusement. Her kagune snaked out and wrapped around his ankle, yanking him to the ground. He gasped for air against the vice-like pressure in his chest. The colors in the room were dripping off the walls. His scrabbling hands caught a fistful of fabric – the bed sheets. He spun around and whipped the sheets over the ghoul's head, then knotted the ends together._

 

_"Are we playing hide-and-seek, dear?" the ghoul chirped."I'll find you!"  
_

 

_Manami answered her with a tackle, his arms flung around her waist. She yelped in surprise as he bulled her through the open doorway and over the balcony. She struck the driveway below with a grunt, and began flailing her arms to find her way out of the sheets. Manami ducked back inside, darting gaze seeking anything he could use as a weapon._

 

_The neatly organized bedroom had very little to offer him. The biggest piece of furniture in Miyahara's room was her dresser. He gritted his teeth in that strange smile, grasped the edges of the furniture, and pushed with all his strength. It barely budged. Spots swam in his blurry vision as he swayed and nearly passed out. If he fainted, they would both be killed. He couldn't succumb._

 

_He dug his heels into the carpet and strained. It began to slide. He could do this. He could fight a ghoul. His heart was strong enough._

 

_He made it to the balcony just in time to see Miyahara reemerge on the opposite platform. "They're on their way! We just have to hold out – Sangaku, look out!!"_

 

_The kagune lashed whiplike through the night air. Manami flinched aside and it landed a stripe across his collarbone, narrowly missing his head. He gasped in shock, body trembling as the welt began to bleed in earnest, soaking his shirt. It was a real wound. He pressed his hand to it in awe. This was what it felt like._

 

_"Sangaku, I'll be right there to help!"_

 

_Miyahara clambered onto the railing and jumped toward him. A flash of red gleamed in the darkness, and for a second she hung suspended at the apex of her trajectory. Then the kagune around her leg wrenched down, and with a dismayed shriek, the girl hurtled to the ground. There was a sickening thud as her head struck the driveway, glasses skittering uselessly aside._

 

_She wasn't moving._

 

_A silent scream built in Manami's chest as he wrapped his arms around the dresser. He lifted the end with sheer willpower and toppled it over the railing. The heavy wood smashed atop the ghoul, laying her flat. He scrambled over the railing and jumped, landing onto the wreckage. The impact hurt his knees but he was beyond feeling it. He stomped and kicked the wood until he found her throat, bruised and bare, and pressed his weight down onto one foot._

 

_Someone was standing speechlessly in the driveway. It was a teenager with bleached blond hair and thick eyebrows. He was clutching a radio and staring in fascinated horror. Manami's wild gaze snapped to him, pupils dilated into black pools._

 

_"The CCG reinforcements are on their way. I heard it on the radio– I was in the neighborhood, I'm a student at the Academy," he stammered stiffly. Manami stared on, chest heaving, uncomprehending what was being said to him. He was losing track of where he was._

 

_"You subdued a ghoul with your own strength. You are stronger than me," the blond stated, sounding impressed. "Take care of your friend. I can hold down the ghoul. This is quinque steel. It will cut her," the trainee continued in a low voice, unsheathing a combat knife._

 

_The shadows were twisting shapes dancing around him, a nightmarish vision of disembodied hands and mouths and bones. Manami was seeing things that weren't there again. Miyahara – where had she gone?_

 

_Manami stared at the unconscious ghoul beneath his sneaker. The monster underneath his feet was real. He stepped over to the teenager and wordlessly grabbed the knife from his startled hands._

 

_Without hesitation, he crouched down and slit the ghoul's throat from ear to ear in a garish imitation of her mask's smile._


	3. Everything that drowns me makes me wanna fly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surely no one expected Manami to attend the funeral.
> 
> Manami held it together at work with an easy smile and a casual laugh here and there, but as each day stretched interminably on, the façade began to crumble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ilu manamiiii ;v;

 

_Sakamichi_

 

_Sakamichi, I killed your mother_

 

_Sakamichi, you are a ghoul_

 

* * *

 

The following week was a blur, and not only because of the head trauma. Manami recuperated quickly from his concussion, but the knowledge that the capture/kill mission was a failure weighed heavily on his shoulders. Protecting a civilian from an S-Rate ghoul was enough to finally push him over to Rank 2, but he couldn't appreciate the wings they pinned to his uniform. He had finally remembered why Fukutomi believed he was a prodigy, but only to realize Onoda was a ghoul he helped escape. If he revealed that truth, he would be demoted for certain. He didn't deserve the wings, but he kept them anyway.

 

He only learned the worst part when he was well enough to return to headquarters: Toudou never made it back.

 

The grisly remains of Toudou's squadron were gathered in bags and brought to the morgue for investigation, but none of the samples matched Toudou. He was missing in action, but presumed dead. Toudou Jinpachi was gone.

 

Surely no one expected Manami to attend the funeral.

 

Manami held it together at work with an easy smile and a casual laugh here and there, but as each day stretched interminably on, the façade began to crumble. The last testament was read and enacted, and Manami found himself in possession of Sleeping Beauty. His own quinque, the very one he had admired from afar, and he could barely bring himself to look at the briefcase. He adamantly refused to take on a new partner no matter how they pushed.

 

Cases needed to be solved. Time passed. Manami felt more trapped than ever before. Fukutomi forced him to take bereavement leave when he saw the sleepless bruises beneath his bloodshot eyes. Manami spent the time off drinking alone.

 

Somewhere in the depths of his drowning mind he knew that self-destruction wouldn't get him what he wanted. He was on the path to a dishonorable discharge, and without his job, what was he? There had been a time before Toudou – a time before hero worship and unrequited attachment, a time when he wanted to slay monsters for excitement and nothing deeper. But his world had gone grey and lifeless, and Manami didn't know how to feel alive anymore.

 

* * *

 

 

The briefcase rested on the table next to a pile of unopened mail and a withered sympathy bouquet from well-wishers at the office. They were all things Manami didn't want to look at.

 

No loss had ever hit him this hard. He had never allowed loss to touch him, always avoiding deeper emotions and cutting loose casual relationships before he started to care. He never learned how to mourn. His mother and father, his childhood friend, and his home had all been taken from him the same night, and he never looked back, just kept doggedly moving forward and pretending he was fine. This, losing his _partner_ , was something he couldn't move past or bottle up. He adored Toudou more than anyone.

 

Eventually his thoughts kept circling back to the same point: the Peak Spider. Toudou's life goal had been to capture that ghoul. That was the ghoul who annihilated his squad to assist Bear's escape. The Peak Spider would bring him closure. He would use Sleeping Beauty to finish what Toudou started.

 

He needed help to sober up. He swallowed a handful of aspirin to fight the headache, and made the phone call. He threw up shortly after, and decided he deserved the hangover and all it entailed. When Fukutomi arrived at the apartment, he found Manami slumped over the toilet, laughing bitterly at the mess he let himself become. Fukutomi didn't say anything at first. He simply rested a hand on Manami's shoulder, and when he was ready, helped him to stand.

 

Manami slowly showered for the first time in days. He clumsily cut his face while shaving and staunched the blood with toilet paper. While he was in the bathroom, Fukutomi ran a load of laundry to purge the liquor stains and vomit from his sweaty clothes. Together they gathered a trash bag full of empty bottles and junk food. Halfway out the doorway, Manami imagined Toudou's scandalized face at the sight of all the unhealthy wrappers, and burst into tears.

 

"Sorry, Toudou-san, but these tears just won't stop," he smiled as he was racked with sobs. He raised his forearm to shield his eyes, and slumped into Fukutomi's broad chest. The Rank 1 investigator stood stiffly as his colleague cried into his shirt. There was nothing to be said, but a strong arm wrapped around Manami's waist in support, and he let the tears flow freely.

 

* * *

 

He returned to headquarters with little fanfare. His smile was pale and drawn, but the other investigators didn't comment. They all missed Toudou too, he was certain – it was too quiet without that vain, prissy man strutting about and throwing conniptions. There were some new faces hired to pick up the slack during his absence – he recognized Kuroda and was familiar with his staggeringly tall partner, and Shinkai's dark-haired brother – but Manami made no effort to spend time with them.

 

Manami's attendance was slipping without a partner to keep him in check, but he wasn't reprimanded for the missed meetings. They were all walking on eggshells around him, with the exception of Arakita (who still snapped at him for every little annoyance) and Fukutomi (who offered to run errands for him if he didn't feel strong enough to shop for groceries). He wasn't sleeping well at home, which translated to napping at his desk instead of reviewing casework. He took every excuse he could to leave the confining walls of the building.

 

Out on the courtyard Manami practiced handling Sleeping Beauty. It got easier to handle Toudou's treasure with familiarity. The swordplay came naturally to him, and it was a relief to let his tired mind shut off and let instinct move him. Step, thrust, swing, parry, sidestep, strike. The quinque was heavy, and it made his muscles strain in a satisfying burn to go longer, harder, faster each time. He wasn't as elegant as Toudou, but his swings had more force, more aggression. Exercise brought him calm, but it was the calm before a storm; he was close to the breaking point, always.

 

* * *

 

 

He was off work that evening when he heard it. Manami was in uniform, briefcase in hand, wandering the streets of Tokyo because he didn't want to go home – and he swore he heard the shrill timbre of Toudou's voice somewhere in the crowd of commuters. His heart leapt into his throat. The noise of traffic and pedestrians faded into a buzz around him. His palms broke into a cold sweat as he waited.

 

He heard it again. Manami barked a laugh of shock, and bolted down a side street in the direction of the voice.

 

 _This is it, Manami Sangaku, you've finally lost your mind,_ he thought with bitter self-deprecation. He had passed the point of unhealthy mourning and was now hallucinating his dead partner. _Is this even real? Am I chasing a ghost?_ he wondered, as his heart thudded rapidly with excitement.

 

He caught sight of a figure ducking into an alley and quickly darted after. Oh, what he would give to find Toudou-san alive! He wasn't sure what he would find, but his instincts were heightened with anticipation. Someone didn't want to be caught, but they were about to be. The colors were dizzyingly bright as he gave chase.

 

"This is the CCG! Show me your face and a valid photo ID," Manami commanded as they skidded to a halt. The brick wall behind them was a dead end. The figure squirmed in obvious discomfort and pulled a coat more tightly over their head.

 

Manami's fingers flexed on the handle of the briefcase. _Ghoul_. He thought briefly of Sakamichi, but this figure was too tall.

 

"If you don't comply, you'll be taken into custody under suspicion of being a ghoul," he warned calmly. "This is your final warning. I am authorized to use deadly force. Take off the coat."

 

The figure froze. Manami yanked the briefcase open in a fluid movement, and in a rush of steam and a blaze of red, Sleeping Beauty appeared. The fugitive charged straight at him, trying to take advantage of the moments it took for the quinque to form. He shoved Manami's shoulder and toppled him off-balance, but Manami snarled and swung the half-formed blade. It sliced the fleeing figure in the leg. Too shallow. The ghoul staggered and yelped, but kept running to escape the alley.

 

Manami stared at the blood on Sleeping Beauty's pulsating edge. That cry of pain sounded uncomfortably similar to Toudou's voice. He really was losing it. More determined than ever, he scrubbed the dampness from his eyes, gripped his koukaku hilt, and charged after the trail of blood. He would not go home until he saw that ghoul's face. It was going to be a long night.

 

* * *

 

The flash of green hair and an iridescent mask took him by surprise, but not for long. The sword bit into ghoul flesh, cleaving kagune and skin. The fight was over too soon.

 

 _"I guess it's fitting that you should kill me too, Spider. I could never come close to Toudou-san's genius. I just want to know what happened to him. I admired him. And he admired_ _you_ _. Tell me how he died!"_

 

_"I didn't kill him. And out of respect to his wishes, I won't kill you either."_

 

* * *

 

 

He knew what he would see before he opened his eyes. He didn't want to open them.

 

A newscaster on the wall-mounted television droned quietly over background noise from the hallway. Shoe soles squeaked against linoleum as foot traffic bustled. An orderly wheeled a cart of cleaning supplies past his doorway. The receptionist spoke on the phone while idly tapping a pencil against the counter. A faraway ambulance siren was muffled through the window.

 

The lights were humming. The ever-present sound resonated with the building frustration of being entombed within a white coffin.

 

Manami let his darkened gaze slide over the casts aligning his arms and legs. Peak Spider did this. The kagune had splintered his bones so thoroughly that he'd undergone multiple surgeries and now had rods and screws holding him together. He flexed his fingers and toes, and tried not to think about how long it would be before he could wield a weapon again. The stitches on his back itched, but he couldn't even maneuver his arms to scratch them. All he could do was lay still and atrophy.

 

He leaned back and closed his eyes. Against the back of his eyelids, he saw it play again and again – the dizzying blur of combat, every strike and parry and thrust and misstep. The green-haired ghoul trussed him up and took him apart, then dropped him at his feet. He never stood a chance. He thought he could avenge Toudou, and failing now when it mattered so much hurt more than anything that ghoul did to him. It was a raw, bitter sensation that washed over him now – the sickening knowledge that he had put his heart on the line and still lost.

 

This was his limit. This was as far as he could go. An IV steadily dripped painkillers into his bloodstream and right now all he wanted was to hurt. Maybe he wanted the Spider to put him out of his misery.

 

_"You'll live," the ghoul muttered to him after swallowing the meat he'd skinned from Manami's back._

 

_The investigator's vision swam. Color drained from the world around him, it was grey, grey, everything yawing off its axis and twisting into unrecognizable phantasmagoria. He knew it was his mind collapsing in on itself as his body was overwhelmed, but he could not overcome the dissonance. He gasped, fighting the way his eyes were rolling back into his skull, struggling to maintain consciousness as he bled out on the asphalt._

 

_Is Toudou-san alive?_

 

_His gaping mouth wouldn't form the words properly. He was trying, internally screaming, desperate to force the question out before it was too late. He had to know. He had to –_

 

_His head lolled back against the pavement, and blackness overtook his sight._

 

Manami opened his eyes and stared calmly at the ceiling.

 

He hadn't attended the funeral. There had been no body. Toudou's unit had been slaughtered, some of the corpses half-eaten, but the investigator was missing entirely. The only clues that turned up in forensics were the kagune secretions – only one ghoul had attacked that unit, and the samples didn't match the Bear, they matched the Peak Spider. The Peak Spider told him he didn't kill Toudou.

 

Ghouls lied. Makishima could lie as easily as all the others. And yet… did he have a reason to? Was he covering for another ghoul's crime, or…

 

"Toudou-san is alive," he whispered to the empty room. Wishful thinking tasted strange on his tongue.

 

"Peak Spider was hiding something. What if… what if Toudou-san is alive," he murmured. It was a secret, a conspiracy, a desperate act of denial. Even copious amounts of hard liquor couldn't make him cope with knowing Toudou was dead. Of course he would rather believe otherwise. Anything was better than this meaningless sea of grey.

 

The closer to death he felt, the more alive Manami knew he was. He craved the knife's edge, that surge of instinct and desire to survive through the pain. It was the only time he felt a connection between body and mind. His body was born weak, his heart failed him when he needed it, and he had been trapped within the insurmountable frailty of his own flesh. He grew strong enough drive himself further and shattered those limits. He had been trapped again when his heart broke for his senpai, and his body fell apart. He didn't know how to overcome this prison.

 

He had drifted as a corpse for too long.

 

"I'll find out what happened to you, Toudou-san. I swear it."

 

He would go after the Peak Spider. He would go after Onoda Sakamichi. He would hunt as many ghouls as he had to, to prove it to himself. He was empty, but he wanted to feel alive again.

 

Manami closed his eyes and smiled.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [his tears tho](http://great-blaster.tumblr.com/post/118014007310/manami-sangaku-i-lost-on-the-hills-that-i-love)


End file.
